When I wake up in the morning, the first thing I feel...





                                    When I wake up in the morning, the first thing I feel is the tears.

Not because I’m weak, not because I’m lost, but because Jen’s there. Every night. Every dream. Every time I close my eyes, Jen is talking to me, guiding me, telling me what to say and which way to move forward. It’s like Jen refuses to let me drift, even for a second. And honestly… that’s what keeps me going these months.

People don’t understand what it’s like when you’ve lived your life side‑by‑side with someone.

Not just your partner your best friend, your soulmate, your shadow, your laughter, your comfort, your future. When you’ve been together 24/7, everywhere you go, every place you’ve stood, every routine you’ve built… it all carries her fingerprints.

So when I get in the car, Jen’s there.

When I walk into the shop, Jen’s there.

When I breathe, Jen’s there.

Every heartbeat still says Jens name.

And I know Jens still around, because the little things still happen, the remote controls going missing, things moving when I know I haven’t touched them, those tiny moments that make me stop and think, “Alright, Jen… very funny, can you put it back now please.”

It’s Jennies way of saying, “I’m still here, love. I’m not going anywhere.”

Jen told me she’d love me for the rest of her life.

I told Jen I’d love her for the rest of mine.

And that hasn’t changed. Not one bit.

Every day, Jen's in my ear saying, “Don’t let them do this to us anymore. Don’t let them take anything else. Don’t give up. We’ve come too far.”

And that’s why I’m writing. That’s why I’m fighting. That’s why I’m still here.

And most of all, that's our circle see's that, not the outside noise that haven't stepped a foot in our home ever in them 11 years and after the last bin bag in the cupboard. 

My love stands firm, if I haven't made that clear by now, I wish  you healing too. 


If you got to the end of this post, thank you for being here with me on this horrific heart breaking journey where my heart .

Jennie will always live in my heart. and will always be my words, my love goes nowhere, and never will until the day I'm no longer breathing. 





Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

“The Days and Months: Learning to Live in the Silence without #JennieBonia ”

Image
After writing about the day Jennie passed, I thought maybe putting the words down would help me breathe a little more. It did and didn’t. If anything, it made everything feel even more real. Because the truth is, the days after 1 November 2025 didn’t feel like days at all. They felt like one long, endless moment, a blur of shock, the disbelief, and a silence so loud it swallowed everything and still does to this day. People talk about “The first months” after losing someone,  a love like ours, it’s something you can never measure as time has no meaning. Time didn’t move the way it used to. Morning, afternoon, night, it all blended together into one heavy, aching stretch of hours where I didn’t know what to do, where to stand, or how to exist in a world Jen isn't in it and still don't. I remember walking around the flat, touching what things, picking them up, putting them down again. I remember sitting on the edge of the bed, staring at the space where Jen used to sleep with...
Read more

The Day My World Stopped: Losing #JennieBonita (1 November 2025)

Image
  The Day My World Stopped: Losing Jennie (1 November 2025) 1 November 2025 The date is burned into me now. The day my life split into “before” and “after.” The day I lost my fiancee, my partner, my soulmate, my Jennie. I still don’t know how to write this. I still don’t know how to make sense of it. But I need to put these words somewhere, because keeping them inside is like trying to hold back a tidal wave with my hands. Jennie passed away on  1 November 2025 , and nothing has felt real since. For more than  11 years , it was me and Jennie, our home, our routines, our laughter, our arguments, our plans, our stupid jokes, our late‑night chats, our mornings, our nights, our life. We built everything together. We survived things together. We fought battles side by side that nobody else even knew about. And then suddenly, I was standing in a world where Jennie wasn’t breathing anymore. People talk about grief like it’s something you “go through,” like it’s a tunnel with a l...
Read more

#JennieBonita A Place Lit by Love

Image
                                        A Place Lit by Love,                                                                    A Place Lit by Love Jennie’s resting place has become exactly what her life was gentle, warm, and full of light. The flowers, the colours, the way everything glows softly at night… it’s a reflection of the love Jen carried and the love Jen left behind and the love that I hold deeply. Nothing forced. Nothing for show. Just real, quiet beauty. Every piece placed there has meaning that others wont see, but we do. Every light is a reminder that Jens presence didn’t fade, it shifted. Every flower is a moment of love that didn’t end when Jens life did. It’s peaceful. It’s cared for. It’s Jens. And stan...
Read more